clouds

I watched a clip late last night on youtube from Louise Hay about the power of positive thinking. I have always tried to remain a positive thinker. Somehow in that I still revert to the doubt that clouds most of us and impedes progress and success from one triumph to the next. I can't help but feel myself a bit arrogant to think everything I do is going to be alright and the universe hears my voice when there are so many voices all stating their request for good and healing. I can only hope that the universe hears it as a chorus singing in harmony and not a bunch of voices all shouting out their orders at the same time much like a short order cook getting five different lunch orders at the same time. Lets see, was that whiskey down or white toast? I do believe we all have a place and a reason to be here on this earth here and now. I wonder though about the poor individuals sitting in a jail cell. Is that their mission? I can only speculate why that is their fate with all that life has for us. Maybe they did or will do their good deed in a different lifetime.
I admit I still have doubts clouding my thoughts and I do revert to comparing my progress to my peers which Miss Hay says is a big no no. Doesn't help that my best friend from high school is one of the most successful fashion designers in the world and I am still working on my Madonna moment. One of my current best friends told me I had my Madonna moment when I did Top of the Pops on British tv. I'm like, is that all I get? She wants me to move on from that and do one of the other things I am good at like being a fashion stylist. She has clouded my thoughts with doubt. So I have cloistered myself in my apartment trying to tune into my universal voice in my cell like apartment with bars on the windows, I live on the first floor in the back of the building so I need them to keep out the burglars. I have never been able to meditate the way I think it is supposed to be done, but I do try to keep the thoughts positive when proceeding and know that the universe has a purpose for me. I almost drowned when I was about 5 or 6yrs old. I was pulled out the pool by some teenage guy who noticed the bubbles on the surface. I can remember that I thought I could just breath under the water like a mermaid and once I realized it was way over my head I started to try that. Thank God that guy pulled me out as my older sister and cousin whom I was following didn't realize I was trying to catch up with them in the pool and were already on the land as I kept going in deeper to find them. That day I was baptized with the notion that the universe wants me here for a reason and I was going to just follow the call and go where it leads me. So far so good but then I get the clouded message from someone who's opinion I trust and I doubt myself. So tonight I will ask for clarity and maybe tomorrow I will know what to do but today the sun is shining through the clouds.